Well, there’s an introduction.  For those of you who don’t know me. I’m Claire, I’m 30-something and I wear many different hats.  I work in business strategy by day (I’m just about to end my mat leave).  I run an artificial silk and dried floristry business, Partridge Blooms, by night and in the 24 hours in between the above two, I’m a mum to a baby under one.   Sound familiar?

I thought I was good at the juggle – my whole life I’ve managed multiple projects, competing priorities, tried to be the best friend/daughter/wife I could be and then I added a baby into the mix and naively thought “how hard can it be, we’ll just work this into the scheduling as well”.

Turns out, my entire life was thrown into total disarray and somewhere in between, I wasn’t really sure who I was any more.   See this is the thing, we don’t really talk about this stuff, do we?  We describe maternity leave as a “break away from work” more often than not. But actually, it’s the polar opposite from a “break” – you’re working 24/7 in a new, unpaid position which you’ve not received a handover or training for.  

Nobody really talks about the psychological impact of becoming a parent for the first time.  We talk about the body changes, we plan births, we have an expectation of what maternity leave will be (walks, coffees, play dates) and actually, when the expectation and reality don’t quite meet, we’re often found questioning ourselves – are we good enough, are we somehow failing, is everyone else doing better at this than me? (Thanks Instagram).

Which leads to my title – somewhere in all of this – I’m finding out s-l-o-w-l-y that I’m still me. 

I won’t be the first or the last birthing parent to feel lost.  It’s just that we’re all a bit scared to admit it, aren’t we? The internet does a great job of presenting “perfection” and the highlight reel of conception, pregnancy, gender reveals and so on.  You feel like everyone else has got it down. Then a new born arrives without a manual and that does nothing for our already fragile mental health.  We sacrifice so much of ourselves during the process of trying to conceive, then further during pregnancy, birth and the postpartum period,  that when we start to emerge from the fog it’s suddenly time to go back to work and we’re putting our corporate hat back on. We find ourselves questioning if we’ll ever be able to sit and function properly ever again.  (I used to pride myself on being able to read pitch decks and advise on investment deals in a fairly male-dominated environment and now I’m terrified I won’t be able to think properly, or I’ll be distracted, have parental guilt about using daycare… the list is endless).  But, here’s the thing…

…My best friend said to me: “you’ve had a baby, not a personality transplant” and actually, this cemented it for me. I WANT to go back to work. I WANT to have a career and be a mum. I WANT to earn my own money. Now, there’s a cost of living crisis out there and as much as these are wants, I’m being clear there’s also a need for me to go back – we have bills to pay and for a lot of us, maternity leave isn’t what reality will be 6/9/12 months post birth. 

What I’ve realised over the course of my maternity leave is that I’m a better parent when I’m not on shift 24/7. I’m human.  I need a break sometimes from the relentlessness of caring for a tiny person, a change of scenery and adult conversation. It’s what refreshes me, inspires me and makes me who I am. I’m still me – who’s creative, passionate about women’s rights and equality and encouraging women to start and grow businesses.  It’s as much a part of my personality as being a parent is. 

I’m writing this to those of you who are earlier in their postpartum journey than I am.  I want to let you know that the fog will lift and one day you’ll wake up and realise that you are starting to find you again and that person was always there – they just got a bit lost trying to navigate the massive life change you just went through.   And it’s ok to feel scared and nervous about returning to a career that you loved.  It’s also ok to be excited. I’ve been fortunate enough to be both employed and self-employed this last year and at times, I feel like having my business has saved my sanity.  There is no right answer – for some parents, dedicating every waking moment of their day to their baby is right. For others, the jump from busy environment, corporate meetings and always being on the go, then switching to the slower pace of newborn life is such a seismic jump they need something else (*said in a whisper, for fear of judgement*).  Being able to go out to my studio to meet brides for an hour at a time, do some design, create some door wreaths to sell on the website has all been part of my return-to-adult-society journey. It’s made that jump feel a bit less scary because I just couldn’t switch off completely. And I’ve made peace with that.  It was the right thing for me.   

The lesson in all of this – there is no general right or wrong way to approach the end of maternity leave. What’s right for my family might not be right for yours.  And that’s ok because you are all that matters.  Not anyone else, especially not someone with 500,000 followers on Instagram who you’ve never even met. 

Partridge Blooms is a studio based florist specialising in dried and artificial floral work for weddings and interiors.  Partridge Blooms has an online store at www.partridgeblooms.com and can be contacted by email at partridgeblooms@gmail.com or on Facebook or Instagram.