You Will Find Your People
Personally, I have found the past couple of years really tough. In that period of time some of the closest people in my life walked right out of it. I jokingly call it the mass exodus. Every couple of months there was another explosion, another relationship breaking down and whilst I do believe that in most relationship breakdowns there is accountability on all sides, I didn’t see it that way at the time and instead I blamed myself. I told myself that the common denominator was me and therefore I must be a horrible human that people can’t stay friends with for too long.
In most of the scenarios I was shocked and heartbroken and the story I started to tell myself was that “People just don’t like me” and with that story came a tidal wave of loneliness. I decided that the best thing to do, to avoid future pain was just close myself off. I never wanted to appear like I needed anyone and I believed that if I didn’t let anyone get too close - I wouldn’t get hurt.
Of course that didn’t really work and I eventually had to sit down and face my demons, I had to let myself feel all of the pain and angst and the deep loneliness. Once I had done that I could then start to reflect, and in that reflection I realised a few things about adult friendships that have since helped me make peace and forge healthier and happier relationships. I’d love to share them with you, in the hopes they help you too.
Not all people are meant to be in your life forever
Seems obvious but this was a big lesson for me, my anxious attachment style meant that I had an expectation that friends would always be in my life and when they weren’t it was because I wasn’t good enough. This energy in itself can have an impact on the power dynamic of a friendship and once I accepted that people come in and out of your life for a variety of reasons and a variety of time periods, I found liberation in navigating relationships that meant I was no longer in kind to myself.
Trust your gut when something doesn’t feel right
That knot in your stomach whenever you are around someone? The feeling like you can’t be yourself or you have to put on a show/mask? Trust it and reflect on why it’s there, maybe that person isn’t one of your people. Anyone who fails to accept you for who you are isn’t great fun to be around.
Sometimes feelings of loneliness are here because we still have work to do on ourselves
Culturally we really shy away from loneliness. I spent SO long trying to build big groups of friends. Anything that I did I always needed to do it with someone and yet despite how many friends I had I often felt quite lonely. What I realised was that I had become fairly co-dependent on other people and completely lost confidence in being by myself. Those continual feelings of loneliness gave me the opportunity to get back to myself, to step out of my comfort zone and do things alone! The result was a much greater sense of confidence, a better relationship with myself and in turn healthier relationships with others!
Be honest
Honesty is tough right? We are so conditioned to people please, scared of hurting each others feelings that we often hold back on things friends have said or done to upset us or the fact that we disagree with what they are saying. I have news for you though - a friendship built on dishonesty - isn’t a friendship and when you hold back on how something has made you feel the likelihood is that you will go on to build resentment toward your friend and tell yourself all sorts of stories. Being honest doesn’t have to be unkind. A practice I love is known as radical candour - it’s when you challenge directly but care deeply. It’s a way of getting curious without attacking and mostly it helps you to navigate what feel like difficult situations. A good reminder is that being angry and resentful toward someone for things they have done but being unwilling to tell them about it isn’t a good friend behaviour and leaves no room for a mature and healthy relationship.
Stay close to the ones who feel like sunshine
You know the ones - the people who you can be your ultimate self with, who never judge you but who are also willing to hold you accountable for your shit. Those are your people and you likely leave interactions with them feeling good. It can’t always be all sunshine of course but your people are the ones who you know you can practice radical candour with and are safe to be vulnerable and open around. Those are the type of friendships that will bring you a wealth of good things, including a deeper sense of self-awareness and connection that is priceless.
Got anything else to add? I’d love to hear it!