#Proud
I have mama bear energy and I’ve had it from way before I had a child of my own.
I’ve always felt drawn to stand up for others, to fight for fairness and to make sure that everyone feels included. I think it’s because I know the feeling of being on the outside looking in.
I grew up in a pretty liberal household, my parents never forced me to be anything other than exactly who I am, yet somehow I carried the shame of being “different” like a ball and chain. Maybe because growing up, whilst I was in a liberal environment- I didn’t actually have any representation around me, everyone I knew was heterosexual. All of the adult couples in my life were men and women. So when I realised that my own sexuality was fluid and I felt an attraction to more than one gender, I hid it away for fear of being seen as different, possibly someone sinister or in some way broken.
This oppression of my whole self led me to engage in many destructive behaviours and it’s only now that I am fully accepting of myself that I can see that. For so long I believed that my Queerness just wasn’t something I was allowed to be. For so much of my life I felt not gay enough for some people and not straight enough for others, feeling like I was on the outside looking in, floating in limbo, not allowed to express myself for fear of being labelled as greedy, going through a phase or of being erased. So I closed myself up, packed my feelings into a ziplock bag and pushed them down so deep that even I stopped recognising them. I lived my life as a heterosexual woman and although I put on a good show it just never felt right.
Then I met my husband, my soul mate. Although I wasn’t openly Bi, I always maintained that I was attracted to the person, the soul, the heart of another - this was my way of quietly saying that my attraction wasn’t limited to the gender binary opposite to mine. From the moment I met Mike I felt seen, Mike was never intimidated by my powerful energy, never put off by my die-hard feminism and he never tried to erase who I was. He has and will always be my safe space and with him, it was easy to be open about my Bisexuality - but I still wasn’t quite able to tell the world.
In 2020 I had a realisation, a lightbulb moment in which I recognised why I always had this edge of discomfort, this fear that I was living as an imposter and would be found out. It was because often when you are a Bisexual woman, who is married to a man, the world assumes you are straight and so once again I felt excluded. I wasn’t allowed to be queer, as if marrying a man somehow erased my Bisexuality, and to make everyone else feel comfortable, I played the straight card. I convinced myself that it didn’t really matter, I was married to a man anyway, and even I started to believe that meant I was no longer Bi.
In 2021 I made the decision that I no longer wanted the people around me to assume I was straight.
I wanted to be seen as a Bisexual woman.
I wanted to be able to give my perspective as such and I wanted for the first time in my life to be able to express my queerness publicly. I “came out” on this Instagram post and the liberation I felt was something I still struggle to describe. I was finally able to live my truth and when I opened up about my sexuality I welcomed my whole self to the table, a self I no longer have to hide, a self who can stand up and feel Proud.
Although I am incredibly fortunate to be surrounded by open-minded and loving humans who accept all of me, I still carry my own internalised shame and fear and have unfortunately experienced many instances of Biphobia and Erasure. This doesn’t just come from my experiences with non-liberal heterosexual people but within my own LGBT community too. Unfortunately, Bisexuality is often the least visible of the LGBTQ+ flag, commonly seen as not gay enough for some and not straight enough for others and especially if your partner is the opposite sex, as though that somehow erases us. But as a Bisexual woman who is married to a man I can promise you that I am still Queer as hell.
What you might not know about the Bi community is that we make up 32%* of the LGBTQ+ community and that Biphobia and erasure are so prominent that many Bisexual people are less likely to seek help and support when it comes to the effects of both on their mental and physical wellbeing.
This is particularly difficult for those who face more than one type of discrimination such as people of colour, people of faith, disabled people, working-class people and trans people and that’s only from the data we have, which isn’t enough.
What we do know is that we are all wonderfully unique and complex human beings and as such, we need a multifaceted approach to making change.
Something we can do is start a conversation and so I’d love to round off this blog by sharing some of my insight.
Here are some of the ways you can help support the Bi community and be a good ally.
See us
Bi People exist, we are not greedy or confused or going through a phase. Bisexuality is defined as the attraction to more than one gender, if someone tells you they are Bi - believe them. Don’t bring your own bias or sexuality to the table and please don’t dismiss them. It doesn’t matter whether they are with the same or different gender identity from their own, whether they have been in a monogamous relationship for years with the same gender or not, if they say they are Bi, they are Bi and believing us is the bare minimum support you can give.
Don’t Assume
Please don’t make assumptions about sexuality based on someone's current relationship. When I came out publicly someone in my family asked me if I was having a troublesome marriage… They had assumed that I was going through a phase. I still get funny looks when people know I am married to a man and I say I am Bi and I still get grouped into heterosexual categories in conversation, when I mention that I am Queer I often get a “yeah but you’re married to a man so you don’t count” vibes. I can assure you that even though I am married to a man I am still very much Bisexual and that won’t ever change.
Recognise and Challenge Biphobia
Whatever it is, stand up to it. Don’t leave it to Bi people to do the work and the educating.
Stand up for Marginalised Bi People
That’s a line for everyone, not just Allies. Bi people who are also discriminated against for their race, gender identity, faith and/or socioeconomic status are doubly underrepresented. It’s important that those of us with privilege do the work to stand with and support those who are marginalised by society.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, as much as I am at peace with myself I still feel scared whenever I talk about my sexuality but I am called to share because I know there will be other people reading this who, like me have felt oppressed by societal expectation, who identify the way I do or in other ways that are still seen as different and I hope that my words bring you courage and strength to openly be who you are, without shame -.
Forever thank you to my circle for seeing me and helping me find the courage to be who I am and to share it with Pride.
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*National office of Statistics - Sexual orientation, UK: 2019
https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/culturalidentity/sexuality/bulletins/sexualidentityuk/2019#sexual-orientation-in-the-uk