The Art of Saying No

Where all my people pleasers at? Recovering people pleaser over here. I see you. I know how bloody hard it is to say no and I understand why. For me personally, it comes from my self-limiting belief that I am not good enough, because I believe I’m not good enough, I want other people to validate me by liking me. My ego believes that if people like me - then I must be good enough. Sounds simple, I guess... So why doesn’t it work? It doesn’t work because it’s a behaviour that relies on external validation which is not guaranteed. You could be the juiciest, ripest peach in the world and you are still going to find someone who doesn’t like peaches, so what happens then? Well for me it was an easy spiral into a hole of self-loathing, comparison, and allowing myself to validate that lie that I wasn’t good enough. 

I spent years of my life trying to make people like me, I molded myself to fit whatever group I was in, and before too long I found myself indecisive, unsure of what I liked or disliked, and worst of all I was burnt the F out. You see in order to make people like me I was saying yes to everything. I was so scared of saying no because then they wouldn’t like me and I’d have to sit with that deep sense of self-loathing that I was hiding. 

This was a really hard cycle to break, for me, it went on for a really long time until eventually my body started reacting to my boundaryless lifestyle and I HAD to listen. I will talk about my experience with burnout in another blog but today I want to talk about what I realised when I started confronting this behaviour, I realised that every, single time I said YES to something I didn’t have the time/energy or desire to do - I was saying NO to myself. I will be completely honest and say of course that wasn’t the end of my people pleasing, it was really scary at first, I worried I wouldn’t get those opportunities again or that I’d let people down but in actual fact, it strengthened my relationships and I began to be able to focus on the things I loved. 

I began to understand boundaries and I realised that when you have strong boundaries you give other people the opportunity to be confident in theirs and when you focus your attention on what you love to do, you create things that benefit the people in your life way more deeply than when you spread yourself so thin and live in a permanent state of exhaustion and stress. 

I know you are reading this and thinking - “Good for you but I CAN’T say no to (insert the people who are massively benefitting from your people pleasing here)”  I know it feels impossible, trust me, I really do get it, it’s a hard thing - but lucky for you- you can do hard things. You just have to find a way to start. 

So here are some of my favourite scripts for saying no compassionately and authentically. They weren't all created by me, most I have picked up from reading books or following incredible humans who advocate for boundaries. Try them out for size and see which ones you like: 

For requests to do things you don’t want to/can’t fit in…

“Thank you so much for thinking of me, I would love to (insert thing they asked) but my plate is as full as I like it right now and I’m really conscious of over-committing” 

“I love this idea, it sounds so much fun but it’s not something I can commit to at the moment” 

For things you’d like to do but need more time to complete them…

“I’d love to take that on but it’ll take me 3 weeks instead of two, or I can do one part of what you have asked in the two-week deadline - which would you like me to prioritise?” 

“My plate is as full as I like it right now but please check back in (x) months time as I’d love to be involved when I have more space to commit” 

For things that don’t align with you…

“Thanks for reaching out, I love that you thought of me but this isn’t a project I’d be interested in, I hope it goes well” 

“I appreciate the invite but this one doesn’t feel right for me” 

For things you don’t want to do for free…

“Thanks so much for contacting me. I’m glad you are interested in (insert thing) I actually have a package for this. You can find out my prices here (insert sales link) I hope you have a great day!” 

“Yes I would love to support you, my fee for that would be (insert fee) Let me know when you’d like to arrange the (insert thing they are asking).”

For friends and family…

“Nights out (or whatever they are inviting you to that you don’t like) aren’t my thing but I’d love to meet you for (insert something that is your thing) next week. I miss you and would love to catch up.” 

“Mum, no, I love you” 

“I know I haven’t been spending a lot of time with you lately, my plate is full with (work/kids/family). I seriously appreciate your support and patience and as soon as I’m done, I would love to catch up, when works in the next (insert time frame when you know you’ll be free).” 

There are countless ways to say no and I’d say the most important thing is finding ways that work for you, no point in saving a script you don’t feel comfortable saying out loud. Practice in the mirror, or on the phone with people you trust, and most of all - listen to your gut, you know when it’s a no, honour yourself by saying it. 

I hope these help and remember your people-pleasing behaviours are likely a result of external conditioning, we live in a world that tells us we have to be nice in order to be accepted/fit in, it’s not you who is flawed or broken, remember that and be both kind and compassionate toward yourself as you shed those layers.