You never know

You never know what’s behind that smile 

What’s going on in that persons world 

It’s so easy to make up stories, to let our thoughts run away with us and centralise ourselves in their stuff. 

How often have you thought that someone did something to intentionally hurt you and then realised you’d let your mind run away with you? 

I’ve been there. So many times in my life. Got myself all wound up in knots convinced that the world was out to get me. And many many times I’ve been on the receiving end of such assumptions and neither side feels easy. 

An uncomfortable but a big lesson for me has been that communication is absolutely key. We can’t hold people accountable to hurt they’ve caused us if we haven’t ever bothered to tell them that we’re not ok with what they said/did. It’s so much easier to gossip behind their back and sound off to your friends, and maybe sometimes that’s all that’s needed to reset the balance and move on. But it’s a real problem when you hold on. When you allow that resentment to build up and keep feeding your own side of the story. It’s not a problem for the person who has hurt you, they will likely continue to be blissfully unaware, it’s a problem for you and it breeds a tight little ball of resentment that becomes incredibly difficult to let go of.

I know our conditioning teaches us to people please and avoid “confrontation” but a moment of courage can make a really positive impact on both your relationships and your life experience. 

So this week I’d love to share with you some tools that have helped me navigate difficult situations and extinguish negative thoughts. 

1. Give people the benefit of the doubt 

You may be the central character in your universe but you are not the central character in everyone’s. This helps me loads and serves as a reminder that allows me to realise that most of the time things are often not about nor directed at me.. As much as it’s easier to get angry and think that people are being purposefully shit toward you I’ve found it super helpful to stop, take a deep breath and maybe ask things like “I’m not used to this from you, is there anything you’d like me to know” or “This doesn’t feel right to me, can you join the dots on x,y,z and help me understand?” 

2. Use “the story I am telling myself” 

This was a game changer for me and I talk about it in one of my earlier blogs. It can be super helpful to use when someone’s behaviour makes you feel a bad. Instead of saying “you make me feel bad when you do that” you take ownership for your own feelings by saying “when you do that the story i’m telling myself is that you (insert appropriate: don’t care, don’t love me, didn’t think about me etc)” and in turn you give the person space to explain what they really meant/thought/intended. This is brilliant for difficult conversations as it stops the other person from feeling attacked, defensive and it ultimately ending up in an emotional outburts. It’s also non acusatory which can feel way more supportive and allows the other person a safe space to reflect. 

3. Give yourself permission to feel 

We live in such a fast paced world where we expect everything to happen immediately, this can lead people to anticipate immediate responses from us, in my experience my immediate response to a challenging situation can often be an emotional one and for that reason I like to give myself space to respond rather than react. For the other person though your silence can feel like ghosting and that can make an inflammatory situation feel worse(see point 1!). One of the things I find useful is to say “ I hear you and I want to resolve this but I feel angry/hurt/upset right now and I’d like to give myself time to process” it’s a simple boundary that allows you to feel what you need, without dismissing yourself and also gives you the space to respond in a way that feels right for you. 

I hope those tools are helpful, I know I keep saying it but the world really is challenging right now, we are all holding on to so much and to be honest most of us need an outlet and unfortunately that tends to mean that we react in places we feel safest, impacting our relationships at home and at work. These are just some of the things that have really helped me and I hope they can provide some insight and comfort for you too!