A Letter of Compassion

Hey friends, 

I am having a rough time right now, I started this blog, in fact, I started this business because I wanted to provide an authentic and inclusive space where people feel safe to be vulnerable and so I am going to practice what I preach and share my T with you in the hope that it helps you be a little kinder to yourself. 

My world feels heavy right now, running a business is never easy but running a new business which opened it’s doors 9 months before the world was told to close down is even harder and like most of you I have been in survival mode for the past almost 3 years. I’ve been jumping from one thing to another, pivoting and adapting like mad and desperately trying to keep SLAM afloat and support our amazing community whilst also being a mother, a partner and because life doesn’t actually stop even though there’s a global pandemic going on - navigating my own personal ups and downs, and recently it feels like it has all just hit me. 

Earlier in the year I experienced a personal loss that affected me mentally and physically in a way I never expected, of course, true to form as the type of human that I am, I didn’t really allow myself to feel, I thought I did, I mean I took a week off work - that for me is huge..  But the reality is I fell into my most toxic of traits which is to tell myself “I’m FINE” (imagine Ross from Friends here!) when really I’m not. 

About two weeks ago my body had clearly had enough of me pretending that I’m fine and I got really sick in all honesty, mentally and physically, I just didn’t feel ok. I had to cancel sessions at my gym, postpone events I’d been really looking forward to hosting and rearrange important meetings that I was already struggling to fit in. I felt awful, like I was letting everyone down, my negative thought pattern reappeared instantly as I began to tell myself that “I’m really not good enough to do this”,” who do I think I am to be running a business?” and  “Everyone is going to leave because I’m not as “good” as they think”… 

Cue potential step off the edge into a pit of doom and self-sabotage. 

Why am I telling you this? Not because I want you to feel sorry for me but because as a coach and mentor for others, I recognise this as something people come to me for help with. I know that so many of you will be able to relate and I also know that social media and our perceptions of others often leave us feeling like we are the only ones who find life difficult or come up against hardships.

So did I step off the edge? Yeah, I did -  I cried, I felt really bloody sorry for myself and I let myself feel, all the frustration and anger and everything really that I had been holding on to, I let it out. 

This isn’t new for me but what came next was. My usual pattern is to sit in that sorrow and then start unhelpful behaviours like: 

Negative self talk 

Self-sabotage 

Avoidance 

Falling down a social media hole 

But this time I chose a different path, after I’d got all those feels out, I sat with myself and asked 

“What is this really about?” 

Once I got clear on why I was feeling so overwhelmed, I didn’t immediately make a plan to “fix it” as is my pattern. Instead, I channelled my ultimate tricky emotion - 

Compassion. 

I have compassion in abundance for others but for me… I don’t have much. I have such ridiculously high expectations of myself and I put so much pressure on myself to never be sick, and never “let anyone down” that in fact I rarely let anyone else down... But in exchange, I very often let myself down.

This time I was determined to be different and because self-compassion isn’t an easy thing for me, I decided to write a letter as if I was writing to my younger self, because let’s face it, if she’d been shown a little more compassion, I might not have this toxic trait in the first place. 

It feels a little too raw to share that with you now but maybe one day when I’m a queen of self-compassion then I will. But what I can tell you is that it was incredibly healing. I went from feeling like a big ole failure to remembering that: 

I am doing the best that I can, in an incredibly challenging set of circumstances that even the most seasoned business owner or trauma-informed person could not have prepared for. 

I am human and my needs matter 

And 

I am allowed to get it wrong sometimes. 

Seems simple and really obvious maybe, but when you have spent your life trying to prove that you are good enough and tortured yourself with people-pleasing and perfectionism tendencies then that simple act of compassion can feel like the world has just been lifted off your very tired shoulders. 

So next time you feel like your world is unravelling and maybe you hear yourself say or engage in things that you know won’t help in the long run, take a second to pause and offer yourself some compassion, remember that life is always hard but right now it’s a bit like riding river rapids on a bit of driftwood..with no paddle AND a weighted vest on… and give yourself a break. Oh and if you find yourself having extremely high expectations of others, channel that compassion to them too, remember that even if you find someone’s business or life inspiring - they are still a human, most likely trying the best they can not to drown on this wild ride. 

I hope that by sharing that life is in fact both challenging and a bit rubbish sometimes for me too, that even though I have a lot of the tools, I don’t always apply them to my own life and that ultimately it’ll help you find compassion for yourself and added bonus - when we find compassion, love and acceptance for ourselves, it becomes easier to extend that out to others and then the world becomes a way nicer place to live. 

Sending all of you so much love and compassion, if this resonates, I see you, our inbox is always open to replies if you’d like to share <3